Please, Please Hit “Like”
Do you have to be liked to be an effective leader? Seems like a straight-forward question, who doesn’t want to be liked? But do you need to be?
I think it’s important to first define “likable” because I think what comes to mind is the whole kitchen sink.
One definition I read and liked – you exhibit friendliness, empathy, kindness, a good sense of humor, or you are an honest and genuine person. Webster’s take - having qualities that bring about a favorable regard – eh vague! Though it gives “agreeable” as a synonym. There are studies dating back to the 1970s that concluded that being agreeable is a top trait for effective leadership. Hmmm!
19 leaders from the Young Entrepreneur Council were asked how they would define a likable leader. All 19 responses are absolutely important to effective leadership. I think they stand on their own, separate from being likable or not. Here are a few of their responses, humility, a willingness to listen, honesty, they lead by example, and so on.
Liked or Respected?
It is far better to be respected than liked. You need to be respected to get your team to do what you ask of them. More importantly, if they respect you, they will want to do it and do it to the best of their ability.
What’s the relationship between respect and likability? Well, you can take action that commands respect but doesn’t make you all that popular; alternatively, if you make a decision to be liked, you may actually lose respect.
What does respect look like in action? You do what you say you will. To earn respect you act with integrity. You tell the truth, communicating both the good and the bad. You engage with your people regularly and form strong connections. All of this builds trust and trust leads to higher performance.
Circling back to the idea of “friendliness” from the above definition – to be an effective leader you cannot be friends with the people you lead. Maybe “cannot” is a strong word, but you are not there to be their friend. You are there to lead them. Yes, you should care about them and their well-being and, yes, you want them to be successful, but the goal is not to make them happy. For example, you may need to deliver difficult feedback – you need to be brutally honest as a leader. With friends we tend to soften the blow.
Leadership
Before I jump into why focusing on being liked vs leading is a recipe for a disaster – again let’s level-set. You know I like my definitions. The definition of a leader can be reduced to, achieving a set vision or mission (whether that is a deadline, a sales goal, or global expansion, etc). A leader is tasked with achieving a goal by rallying the power of his or her team. It’s about execution, getting the job done, and done well.
Pitfalls of Needing to Be Liked
Pick up on that little nuance there! The “needing” to be liked. Sure, being likable is great or being liked even better, but the need to be liked is the problem.
Your job as a leader, to hit those goals you set, means making tough decisions. Trying to be liked can mean making a bad decision or not making one at all. Procrastinating or becoming confused because, of course, everyone has a different opinion about what is the right decision. Even the people pleasers out there – please tell me you have at least learned that you cannot please everyone!
If you try to tell people what they like to hear – but it’s not the truth – any trust you have built up is broken. The truth always comes out. If you lose that trust and credibility, you won’t get your team’s best performance.
Moreover, if you are trying to be liked you are going to be easily influenced by others, meaning certain people that have your ear, likely those people that you like, may lead you down the wrong path. Your job is to make decisions for the long-term success of the company as a whole, not the immediate gratification you may feel from being liked by any one or group of people.
If you are focused on about being liked, you also tend to avoid the tough conversations. Maybe that is delivering difficult feedback, which is key to developing your team, making them better at their jobs and as professionals. The better they are at their jobs which means you can do your job as a leader – deliver results. Perhaps you are not dealing with tensions or disagreements between employees which will just make for a dysfunctional culture. If you find yourself with that mess, you are also likely to see your top talent out the door.
Basically, if you aren’t making the tough calls, giving the tough feedback, being open and honest no matter what, you aren’t doing your job as a leader because I can promise you that you won’t achieve your goals.
Ok, Ok Not Saying Likable Is a Bad Thing
Sure, being likable helps, it makes things easier. You run into less resistance and fewer obstacles. With likability comes the ability to influence which helps get people bought-in to the mission and strategy which is key to motivation, enthusiasm and commitment.
An article from Ellevate Network, a women’s group, suggests it is much easier to create alignment, bring disparate views together and create pride and ownership when you are likable. So true. (Leaving for another day the question of likability and women in leadership, but I have to say in researching more on this topic this was one of the few articles, if only, that outright said a leader must be liked!!! How is that the message for women, but I digress.)
A study, detailed in Harvard Business Review, found “there is no harm in being liked by your subordinates and our research certainly suggests that it is part of being viewed as an effective leader… teams who like their leaders will be happier at work, go above and beyond what is required of them, experience greater well-being, and perform at a higher level.” So, go for it - be likable - just not at the cost of being a leader.
