Back It On Up

When I first started out as a young lawyer at a big firm, I knew the drill – you did what you were asked, and you fully expected to work around the clock, if needed. You were always on call. That’s why they paid you a ridiculously silly salary for having ZERO experience.

One Saturday morning, a few days before St. Patrick’s Day I woke up to a flurry of emails. The Senior Partner I was working with, the one other Partners were afraid of, changed his mind about the direction of a speech. Impatient as all hell he called when I didn’t respond to email immediately and, surprise, surprise he wanted a rewrite.

I had 25 people coming in 3 hours for my annual St. Patty’s bash. So, I did what nobody would dare to do, I told him sure, tomorrow. DEAD SILENCE. Followed by not so nice words.

I suggested he could start the rewrite himself or wait. I risked the blow back. He quieted and agreed Sunday was fine.

You have to set boundaries. Protect your time and your energy. Sometimes, you have to make those things that bring you joy a priority. You may feel you are letting people down. You may feel guilty – you need to be that perfect spouse, parent, founder, or employee. You might be afraid someone will think you are rude or disrespectful. You are afraid of creating tension or hurting someone’s feelings.

Not That You Need a Justification

In case you do need to rationalize in your head!

When you stand up for yourself the other person will often respect you more than if you are a pushover. You are a human being. You have limits. You want to find a balance (however you define that) or you need to because you are going to find yourself burnout. People respect your capacity to say “no”. They will see it as a sign of integrity when you stick by your boundaries. 

Setting boundaries is an act of self-respect.

Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries is about living up to your fullest potential.

Tell people what you want to see, what behaviors, not what you don’t want them to do. Or, “hey you do this all the time, stop”. They will feel attacked. It may also be helpful to share why a certain boundary is meaningful to you. Please don’t call me after 6pm unless it’s an emergency or I will not answer emails between 6pm-9pm because I really value the time with my kids before they go to bed.

Tell your assistance, please don’t interrupt me between 7-9am because that is my time to focus on “x” project or long-term planning or whatever which is really important to reaching our strategic goals.

When it comes to work ask yourself how you work best. What is the most important work you do; what challenges are you up against in getting that work done; what information or support do you need; what is your optimal style – alone, in groups, remote, at the office, in the morning, at night? What communication channels work best for you?

A good indicator of where you might need some boundaries – when you feel angry, resentful – may be feel taken advantage of or underappreciated, or feel discomfort.

Testing 1, 2, 3

Expect people to push your boundaries. To test you, it might even feel like they are disrespecting you.

Set those expectations not only so you are more aware of when it is happening but also, by adjusting expectations, you are less likely to have an emotional reaction. Emotionally draining you even further than over-extending yourself in the first place.

Remember, this is not a case of set it and forget it.

Ok, so someone breaks your boundaries. Now what? Follow through matters. Be assertive (not in the aggressive, unkind way – unless that’s your style!! Mmm let’s talk about that!). Be direct and firm. Be honest.

If you let it slide once, it will happen again. Staying quiet can also create confusion – what is and is not acceptable and when. Does it depend on the situation or your mood? Not good.

Restate your boundary. It may be helpful to offer a path forward – don’t stay stuck. Use “I” statements to avoid it sounding like you are blaming. Maybe you deep down want to say – “I was clear – WTF”. But that won’t get you very far. It may just create more tension, resentment, anger, frustration, and loss of trust.

Offer an alternative. In my case, he was totally fine with waiting until Sunday (or could live with it!). Maybe they are totally fine doing it themselves. Maybe they are able to find someone else to help out or you could recommend someone. For example, at work if it’s not within your wheelhouse or you are already slammed maybe suggest someone else better suited.

Final note, please don’t be wishy washy in your language. “Maybe” “Probably” “I think” “Perhaps” “Sometimes” “I don’t know but …” Man up. Or Woman up. And remember, it takes practice.